Confessionals
by Esherymack
Summary: Drabbles. This was a practice in first-person and character exploration for me. Most of the people in the Black Order have some kind of secret emotion that they don't let anyone else see. These are their thoughts, written in mostly incoherent scenes involving mentors, inner demons, robots, coffee, crushes, meditation, and the like. Rated for language and angst.
1. Cross

A/N: So I'm starting this series :/ It's basically a series in which I play around with the points of view of the many characters in D. Gray-man.

Aye, I know I need to update my other works XD I've been busy with my art ._. you can go check out my DeviantART gallery on my profile if you must see what's been keeping me so preoccupied XD

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_Mentor_

_**As told by Marian Cross**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_Yeah, I know I'm not the kind of guy to seem like he'd care for someone, much less a snot-faced brat. Hell, I'm a fucking alcoholic, not some kid's father. I've only ever held myself in regard to him as some sort of hated pseudo-mentor._

_As far as the brat in question is concerned, though, let me tell you: the idiot managed to break me._

_He wormed his way under my mask, under my skin, and into my heart in that annoyingly mature way he has about him. Only two other people I can think of have managed to do that before: Maria and Anita. Both of which were women. Not snot-faced brats._

_Why do I keep calling him a snot-faced brat? Or an idiot? Maybe I just don't want him to know how much I care about him._

_Y'see, by the time Allen Walker was 12 years of age, and had been my apprentice for nearly a year, I wasn't drinking for the hell of it, or for the slight satisfaction that comes when you realize that if you have one more glass, you can just forget about everything you've ever worried about, even if it's just for a while. By the time Allen was 12, I was drinking to keep the fact that suddenly, I cared about what happened to him, off my mind. His childish nightmares had become something that I grew used to, and the fact that to this day, he remembers how I'd tell him stories of my past and sing little songs and hymns that I picked up over the years just to pass the time in between towns. The thing that worries me is that he never mentions anything about the times when I refused to be there, when I was drunk, or when I was asleep, or sitting around in a brothel while he sat outside, no matter the weather, just waiting for me to come back. Does he not remember those times? Or does he just want to spare my dignity?_

_Or maybe, he refuses to remember those times, and just save the good times. _

_He was just saying to his friends the other day, that I wasn't all that bad. He told 'em about how stupidly kind I could be to him when he came to me upset about something-or-other. _

_In the end, though, I still only consider myself a pretty fucked-up mentor. I never really taught him anything but how to dodge bullets. I never really taught him anything but how __**not **__to act, or why he __**shouldn't **__drink. _

_So why is it that he considers me his father?_

**00000**

A/N: Egad XD Horrible writing ftw.


	2. Allen

A/N: Aye, I know I need to update my other works XD I've been busy with my art ._. you can go check out my DeviantART gallery on my profile if you must see what's been keeping me so preoccupied XD

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_Inner Demons_

_**As told by Allen Walker**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_I've got problems._

_God, I've got problems. _

_I was orphaned as a child. I was raised in a circus by some clown who I just recently learned may not have even cared about me. I created an Akuma out of him. And then I got myself apprenticed to this idiot of a General._

_Oh, yeah. I'm also becoming a Noah._

_You don't know what a Noah is?_

_A Noah is a freak human that has been consumed by bloodlust and anger for normal people. They have a gene known as the 'Noah gene' within them. When one Noah dies, the gene awakens in another human to return that Noah to their post under their vile lord. _

_I have one implanted in me. _

_My idiot master, General Cross, just told me this, but I think I already knew. He's always been there, just watching over my shoulder in the mirror that I practice my fake smiles in. Neah's always lurking around the corner, and he's getting closer every single day. _

_It scares me to know that when he decides that he's worn his patience thin, that I will be gone, in a blink of an eye. It scares me to know that I'm going to kill somebody that I love, and that no matter what I do, I'm never even going to know who it was._

_Is it bad that I secretly hope it's Master Cross?_

_I mean, yeah, I love him, but it's rather… estranged. He was like a second father to me in some ways, and in other ways, he was my worst enemy. I hated how he always got drunk, or how he left so many people in the dust, but at the same time, I loved learning what little I did from him, and I loved the awkward, aloof care that he administered to my broken soul. _

_I love the man he shaped me into after Mana died._

_I just wish it would amount to something._

_God, I have inner demons, and they are doing everything to get out._

**00000**

A/N: Aaaaand there's Allen for ya! :D


	3. Lenalee

A/N: Still dissecting characters and putting their innards here for you to observe :I

That is a really grotesque way of putting it XD

By the way, the guy in this story can be whoever you want. Cross. Allen. Lavi. Kanda. Hell, it can be Komui, if you're into Leecest XD

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_The One I Love_

_**As told by Lenalee Lee**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_He doesn't know I love him._

_When he first came to the Black Order, I was intrigued. It wasn't like when most new Exorcists came to the Order. _

_Most new Exorcists didn't claim to be who he said he was, or to have done what he's done. Not many Exorcists have been through as much as he has. _

_I've been through a lot, I guess. I lost my family as a young child. I spent much of my childhood chained to a bed for 'unstable Innocence.' I don't fear often, and I don't turn to others for comfort all that often, either. I guess with him, things just changed. I suddenly found myself leaning on others for support. I suddenly felt like I could be something other than a selfless Exorcist for once. _

_I liked that feeling. The feeling of being able to lean on somebody's shoulder, to know that I'm not alone in this world._

_I liked the idea that I didn't have to be brave all the time. In fact, the bravery was only ever an act. It was like living in an iron maiden: act tough, put up walls and shells and thick skins, and stand straight, 'cause if you give up and sag against the wall, you're done for. _

_He doesn't know I love him. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to tell him. _

_I said before, my bravery is just an act. _

**00000**

A/N: The sap~ The Lenaleeism. The anonymousness of the 'he.'

Holy fuck, anonymousness is an actual word.

Mind.

Blown.


	4. Lavi

A/N: Still dissecting characters and putting their innards here for you to observe :I

That is a really grotesque way of putting it XD

Lavi likes books. My fingers are stiff :P

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_Solace in Words_

_**As told by Lavi Bookman**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_I've always been taught to like books by the old Panda that took me in when I was about Allen's size. _

_Panda always tells me, books are incredible. They're like time machines. You can record history in them, and it's there forever. That they're timeless, and that they need to be protected._

_Then again, Panda's also the one who told me that I, as a Bookman, do not need friends, or a heart, for that matter. _

_If I don't have friends, how can I learn the value of protecting these words? _

_I mean, really. They're just words. _

_Hah, just words. I don't mean that. I love words—they're my solace, they're my savior, and they're my friends. _

_I don't ever listen to gramps. He says I don't need to care about Moyashi and Lenalee and Yuu-chan, but what kind of teenager ever listened to his caretaker? I mean, I certainly never have. Lenalee probably has, though. She's always been a good girl._

_I'm already going to outlive them by about a hundred years. Why not just cherish them now, and then get to recording history later? I mean, then, I'll have even more respect for the words. They'll not only be my solace, but they'll be my friends, my family, and my heart. _

**00000**

A/N: I know these are short :I They're supposed to be. Hence the term "drabble." XD


	5. Kanda

A/N: Still dissecting characters and putting their innards here for you to observe :I

That is a really grotesque way of putting it XD

Lavi likes books. My fingers are stiff :P

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_Meditation_

_**As told by Kanda Yuu**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_Che, why are you here._

_You're interrupting my meditation._

_Why do I meditate? I don't know. It's homage to my heritage, I guess._

_Okay, maybe not. _

_I like to meditate because it reminds me of peace that I can't ever get thanks to Baka-usagi and Moyashi. Lavi and Allen, namely. _

_Then, there's Lenalee, who sometimes comes in just to watch me meditate. _

_She says I'm always meditating, that I'll sit and meditate my life away were I not an Exorcist. _

_But, I __**am **__an Exorcist, and I meditate still. It reminds me that there's still peace in the world._

_Go away now. _

**00000**

A/N: Kanda's such a killjoy :D


	6. Klaud

A/N: Still dissecting characters and putting their innards here for you to observe :I

That is a really grotesque way of putting it XD My fingers are stiff :P

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_Circus Animals_

_**As told by Klaud Nine**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_I came from the circus; this is no big secret. I was a caretaker of the animals there, and my Innocence is a small monkey named Lau Jimin. _

_Lau Jimin didn't quite come from the circus; he had just gotten there with a few other monkeys. Then, some Akuma attacked, and a General invited me, and the monkey, to come join his Order. _

_I, on the other hand, have always been with circuses. I was raised in one as a little girl, and I've always loved the wide variety of animals found in them: lions, horses, an occasional tiger, and, most of all, the monkeys. _

_Even now, I live in an imitation of a circus. All these teenage Exorcists running around, and with Chief Komui's robot antics (cutting off Cross's hair, for one), things get pretty hectic around here. Every time a new Exorcist comes along, I almost feel like warning them to stay away from the animals, but I'm not the ringleader at this circus; that job belongs to Rouvellier, and he seems to like his Order insane. I guess I don't have a problem with it—_

_It makes it feel all the more like home._

**00000**

A/N: Okay, I honestly don't know all that much about Klaud other than the fact that she came from a circus, she's blond, Cross likes her, and she has a scar on her face :I This was hard to write XD


	7. Komui

A/N: Still dissecting characters and putting their innards here for you to observe :I

That is a really grotesque way of putting it XD My fingers are stiff :P

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_Robots and Coffee_

_**As told by Komui Lee**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_I'm a scientist. A bit of a mad scientist, but a scientist all the same. I get ideas, and I start designing them, and then paperwork builds up and things break…_

_And then I get my coffee, and everything seems to be normal. _

_The coffee doesn't make it normal, though. It's the sight of my little sister, Lenalee Lee, who is an Exorcist, the Accommodator of the Dark Boots. Seeing her every day—it lets me know that not everything is lost, and that I've got more to live for than potions and crazed robots. _

_Everyone thinks I'm too protective of her. I just don't want her to suddenly vanish with the miracle that is coffee~_

**00000**

A/N: This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever :I


	8. Timothy

A/N: Still dissecting characters and putting their innards here for you to observe :I

That is a really grotesque way of putting it XD My fingers are stiff :P

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

* * *

_Confessionals_

_**con·fes·sion·al [kuhn-fesh-uh-nl]**_

_**adjective**_

_**of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or based on confession: confessional release.**_

_Everyone has secrets; things that they do not ever want people to know about them. It is in confessing these secrets that they find solace, peace of mind._

* * *

_All Work and No Play makes the Order a Dull Place_

_**As told by Timothy Hearst**_

_**Written by the Selfish Writer**_

**00000**

_This place is boring practically __**all the time.**_

_All these adult people. Like Allen and Lenalee and grumpy Yuu and crazy Chief Komui. They're all nuts, but their jokes don't ever make much sense to me, and their laughter never seems to reach my ears._

_I don't really mind it, though. I mean, it's boring, but there's always Timcampy, who's up for anything, really, and the other Exorcists and some of the Finders are pretty fun to mess with. In fact, there's this one Finder I was planning on pranking…_

_It's cool how I almost never get in trouble, too. When I was with my father, the jewel thief who gave me my Innocence, if I screwed up, I'd get boxed on the ears or something similarly painful. The Exorcists didn't even seem that mad considering the fact that I was a thief that was known for taking over people's bodies—hence the 'Phantom Thief' thing._

_Still, all work and no play makes this place such a dull home~_

**00000**

A/N: Lol, that line. I watched that movie… how many times? I dunno. I watched it a lot. It's a good movie~ Y'know… Red rum~


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